Birthday Blues
by CallMeAddicted
Summary: Serena crashes Blair's birthday bash four years after ditching her life in New York and everyone in it...everyone, meaning Blair.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hey readers! This is my first GG fanfic and I haven't watched it in a while. Don't expect anything to be canon. Also, remember this is fiction and you should enjoy reading it-I enjoyed writing this. If you aren't enjoying it, do what I do when I'm not enjoying a fanfic: read a new one. I promise I won't be mad! Spread love, not fear. Peace and blessings. Enjoy!**

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She'd known that there had been something missing in her life; she'd felt it deep down, despite all attempts to ignore the feeling. After four years of silencing that small whisper in her heart, she could suppress it no longer. It took all of one minute for that whisper to grow into a murmur, for that murmur to find its voice. Within one minute the walls of her compartments crumbled, and the contents spilled into each other. The voice threatened to scream out, but even it could not find the words. Words became lost in the mess which, up until that minute, was carefully divided and contained. With an almost superhuman effort, she fought back the deluge and smiled a smile meant for business transactions and hobnobbing. Tonight was _her_ night. It was birthday and she refused to sacrifice her fun. Determined that the show would go on, Blair did what Blair did best: make the situation her bitch.

She leaned in and offered her cheek for a cordial greeting. "It's so good to see you. How have you been?" she looked intently into sparkling blue eyes, conveying a sense of superficial concern rather than actual concern. The taller woman eyed her warily for a moment. Blair knew she knew something was off. But she held her composure, almost challenging the blonde to call her bluff. She had everything to lose and would not let her guard down, especially not for Serena. Yes, Serena van der Woodsen (recently known to Blair as, _'Serena, who?'_) was back…again.

"I've been good. I know it's been a while, but I'm back in New York now and I wanted to wish you a happy birthday." Serena smiled affectionately at her old friend. It made Blair want to slap her because she had no right to look at her that way after not being around the last four years of her life. What right did she have to wish her _Happy Birthday_ when she wasn't around for any other major life event in the last several years? But her mask stayed in place, nonetheless.

"You're back in New York? How long will you visit?"

"Actually, I'm moving back, for good."

Not being able to hold back the snarky comment on the tip of her tongue, Blair chuckled, "Sure, or probably just long enough to light the whole city on fire then fly away on a private jet and watch from above as it burns."

Narrowing her eyes, Serena made to respond to Blair's comment, but she was interrupted by a slightly tipsy Nate.

"Hey, I see you two found each other! You always seem to find each other."

"Nate," Blair acknowledged calmly, "I see you've found the bar."

"Indeed. Hey, did Serena give you the good news? She's coming home! When we spoke the other night, I told her it would be great if she came to your party and gave you the good news herself. Isn't it great?"

"It's just _fantastic_, Nate."

"Yeah," he nodded. "Well anyway, I'm going to get back to my date. I'll catch up with you both later!" he kissed each woman on the cheek before making his way back through the crowd.

It was silent for a long, uncomfortable moment; neither woman seemed to know how to approach the situation they found themselves in.

"Blair, I'm sorry."

The brunette raised an eyebrow. She'd heard the apology but honestly couldn't decide how to take it: was it simply a bunch of placating words, or a sincere regret, or both, or neither? The problem was that these days, she really didn't trust anything she felt. Serena had always left her feeling off-kilter but lately, it was like she couldn't tell up from down or left from right.

"What are you doing here?"

"I missed you; I wanted to see you and—"

"And say Happy Birthday?" Blair interrupted? "You could have done that on the phone. I know you have access to one, as Nate has just revealed. In fact, you could have called and wished me a happy birthday the last _four_ birthdays, but you haven't. So, Serena, what are you doing here?"

Inhaling deeply, Serena looked Blair in the eyes and admitted, "I think I made a mistake—leaving you. I think it was the biggest mistake I've ever made. But I thought it was the right thing at the time, and maybe it was. Maybe we both had some growing to do before we could be with each other, I mean, look how great you're doing…" she smiled. "I only wanted to protect you and at the time, leaving was the best thing I could do to protect you. I didn't want to keep hurting you…"

"How many times have you spoken to Nate? Or Dan, or Chuck, or even _Georgina_ of all people? Every now and then I hear about how you call or text them or I see one of them check their phone and laugh at whatever you've sent them. I was never on your radar. You didn't seem to be thinking much about me, so _why are you here?"_

"I'm here because I love you! I want to see if I can fix what I broke, if maybe we can find our way back to each other like we always do—"

Blair's raucous burst of laughter interrupted her, and for a moment, Serena looked thoroughly embarrassed. Honestly, laughing was all Blair could do, aside from physically hurting the blonde. She wasn't even laughing because anything was funny; her laugh was one of total confusion and disbelief. Tears spilled from the corners of her eyes and she couldn't tell if they were from the laughter or from the deep hurt threatening to explode from her core. She felt crazy, legitimately crazy. The woman she'd been in love with for most of her life finally told her she loved her and all she could do was laugh at the utter ridiculousness of the timing.

The party guests tried their best to look casual as they eyed the pair carefully—there was no showdown like a Blair/Serena showdown. At the moment, however, it was unclear what type of showdown this was shaping up to be.

"Honestly Blair, I'm not here to cause trouble. I just—I missed you."

"I can't do this right now," Blair daintily wiped at the corners of her eyes. "I'm going to enjoy my birthday party. Since you're here, you're welcome to stay and enjoy it as well. But tonight I'm celebrating." She put her walls back up and replaced the mask. As she walked away in the direction of the bar, she felt Serena's intense, azure eyes analyze her every move. She could practically feel the other woman willing her to turn around and come running. Four years ago she may have, but not tonight.

Blair approached the other blonde waiting for her by the bar, and she smirked as a slightly wicked, but irresistible idea came to her. As she approached Brandeis, she whispered, "Play along," and wrapped her lithe arms around the other woman's neck. A lot had changed in the last four years, including Brandeis' change of career and their newly rekindled friendship. Blair trusted that she could rely on Brandeis for something like this, and it wouldn't go further than it was: a ploy to preserve a bit of her dignity.

She kissed the corner of the blonde's mouth and asked, "Is she looking?"

"Yeah, she's looking," Brandeis glanced up. "And she's seething." The women giggled. "Mind if I try something?"

"Go for it."

"Happy Birthday, I hope you get all you wish for." She chastely kissed Blair. Careful not to make it too over-the-top, the ex-call girl backed away for a moment and smiled, wiping the edge of Blair's lip with her thumb.

Before she could even thank her friend, Blair was yanked away by an irate Serena and basically dragged right pass a coat check attendee and into the coat room.

"Brandeis?! Of all people, you're dating _Brandeis the hooker?_"

"Well I believe now she goes by 'Brandeis the Doctor,' but yes, she is my date tonight."

Pinching the bridge of her nose, Serena paced. "Blair, what do you want from me? I'll do literally anything you say. What can I do to make this right?"

"God, grow up, Serena! Why do I have to tell you what to do to make this right? Why are you always in a situation that you have to make right? I will not tell you what to do; you are a big girl, figure it out!"

"But _Brandeis?!"_

"You've got some nerve judging Brandeis for her past. So what, she's got some skeletons in her closet. This is the Upper East Side, who doesn't. At least she's there for me. That's more than you can say."

"Is it serious with her?"

"I can trust her."

"Do you still love me?"

"I am not answering that. It's unfair of you to ask me that question. I offered my heart up to you once; you took it and ran away."

"You want me to prove myself, is that it?"

"Serena—"

"No, Blair, I get it. I messed up. It was a huge mess up, and I'm going to fix it. I need to fix it. I lost you and you're everything to me. You don't trust me right now, and I understand that. But I want you to believe in me again, to believe in us. Maybe you don't believe it right now, but I love you. Four years ago you gave me your heart. You were ready to give me everything else along with it and I messed up. I'm going to fix it though." Serena stepped closer to Blair, claiming the brunette's personal space as her own. "Just give me a chance?" She leaned her forehead in to touch Blair's.

The shorter woman's breath was shallow. She blinked in rapid succession before nodding her head slightly. The grin displayed by Serena was so wide, you'd have thought she was given the green light to marry Blair. "You'll see…" was all she said before turning and strutting out of the coat room. Blair regained her equilibrium and followed Serena out.

She glared down her "competition," Brandeis, and swaggered out of the party, not stopping to interact with the old group of friends gathered at the bar. Serena was on a mission, Blair realized. She both hated the blonde and loved her for plowing back into her life like a monster truck in a mud pit. As was always the case with Serena van der Woodsen, Blair couldn't tell if it was day or night, summer or winter, bitter or sweet. She was afraid and excited, and although absolutely furious that Serena had gotten the last word of the evening, she found that she couldn't wait to see what Serena had in store for her.


	2. Chapter 2

_Her pillow was soaked with tears but she couldn't find the energy to care. Everything hurt. The worst of the pain was the sharp tug on her heart she felt whenever the other woman's name would spill from her lips. Her throat hurt from sobbing; her head hurt from the tension; her pride hurt from rejection. It had been a bad birthday. No one showed up. About an hour into the party, when it seemed clear that the only guests would be Dorota, her mother and Chuck, she politely explained that she may have had too much to drink and needed to call it a night. She hadn't even waited for Chuck to leave before heading upstairs. She overheard her mother offering Dorota a ride home to Queens in her private car, which would then shuttle her to her private jet for the flight back to Paris._

_It was now quite clear to Blair that the friends she'd thought she had were only around for Serena. And the moment Serena was gone, so were they. Of course she was grateful for Chuck, she'd always have him. It was nice having him as a friend now after all they'd been through. But she'd thought she'd changed her ways enough for people to like her. No one ever really knew this but it greatly affected Blair when the people she called friends couldn't bother to be there for something as simple as a birthday dinner._

_Last year, Serena was here. She threw a party in Blair's honor and the whole Upper East Side attended. This year, without Serena to throw a party for her, she decided to cheer herself up and throw one on her own behalf. She hadn't expected all of New York's glitterati to show as they did last year, but at the very least she'd expected the usual crowd: Dan, Nate, Vanessa, Chuck and whoever they were all dating at the time. She'd been to all of their events this past year, after all. Maybe she could have handled the failed party any other year; but after experiencing the biggest rejection of her life, this was too much for Blair's fragile ego._

_The worst part was that the very woman who Blair knew would be able to soothe her pain and make it all go away, was the one who caused it. She both wished for Serena's strong arms wrapped around her and cursed the memory of it. She thought back to that last night and tried to figure out what she'd done to make the blonde just leave the way she did. She never understood it and maybe never will. Just the same, she did not understand why it seemed no one wanted to be around her. Blair let the tears flow—she was powerless to stop them. She lay crying and hurting, wishing on all the stars out there in the smoggy city sky that somehow, wherever she was, Serena would hear her cries. And maybe, just maybe, she'd come back for her._

That was how she'd spent her twenty-sixth birthday. Her twenty-fifth had been no better. Her twenty-fifth was the night she'd finally confessed to her best friend everything that was on her heart to confess. After so many years of the back-and-forth, on-again-off-again _thing_ between them, she'd finally confessed to Serena that, for her, it was not casual. For her, whatever was going on between them was the real deal, and she'd wanted to claim it, put a name on it, and show it off for the entire world to see. In response, she'd gotten a whispered _'I'm scared,'_ and nothing more. She'd promised that they didn't have to exactly show it off to the entire world, not if Serena wasn't ready.

She'd figured she wouldn't get much more out of Serena for the night—that was just how she was. She needed to let the information sink in a bit and do some processing. So Blair left that card on the table, giving Serena some time to play her hand. She'd moved in to kiss Serena then get back out to the party the blonde had thrown in her honor, and that's the moment when everything shifted.

Rather than kiss back, or simply just accept the kiss, Serena rejected it. Blair knew in her heart that something was about to change in their relationship, but she ignored it. She felt a heavy sense of dread in the pit of her stomach. An overwhelming fear came over her. It was easy to brush it off as party jitters—birthday parties, especially for herself, always made her nervous. It could have been that. Truthfully, Blair couldn't ignore the very literal gut feeling she was experiencing. But having never felt something so intense, she hadn't known what to make of it.

The rest of the evening played out like this: Blair trying to have fun but not being able to eat, drink or talk to anyone due to the sickening fear taking over her insides; Serena laughing it up with friends, family and total strangers, all the while blatantly ignoring Blair; and their entire relationship crumbling right before her eyes.

That was twenty-five. That night as Serena left the party with some random guy, without ever even saying goodbye to Blair, she took a part of the brunette with her as well. Blair would never be able to forget the way her best friend—the love of her life—looked right through her as if she were a ghost and walked away. She'd spent many, many nights after that thinking and wondering and putting together clues, just trying to find a way to justify the blonde's actions. Why had she ignored Blair all night? Why hadn't she said goodbye? What could Blair have done that was so bad Serena felt the need to run away and never come back? Even if she didn't love her back, if she didn't want to be with her, surely Serena would have said something. She was never one to do anything she didn't want to do.

Those thoughts left Blair with only one conclusion: she must have done something to make Serena leave her. Those thoughts haunted Blair every night. Though she'd learned to silence them, learned to tell herself that she wasn't to blame, she'd sometimes found it difficult to not blame herself. Try as she might to go through life confidently, insecurities plagued her. And her Serena-related insecurities were starting to rear their ugly heads.

Tonight was her twenty-ninth, and Serena was back. Her mind raced with anticipation of what the upcoming days might bring. But her heart hurt in consideration that it was someone or something other than her that brought the blonde back to the city. She didn't dare to wish that she was, in fact, the reason for the whirlwind return to civilization, for she'd learned four years earlier that wishing gives way to nothing.

Blair kicked the covers partially off her body and turned her face toward the light breeze coming in through the window. It was a cool New York City night. The street noise soothed her mind. She'd once wished on the stars in the smoggy sky for Serena to return to her, and her wish had seemingly come true. Though now, she's not so sure that's what she wants.


	3. Chapter 3

It was a cool, crisp autumn morning when Blair awoke. She took note of the blue sky and thought it would be a lovely Sunday morning. She was a fall baby, so she loved days like this when the weather was perfectly seasonal and she could finally unleash her autumnal wardrobe. Because she was still in her after-party fog, she didn't notice the gift box on her nightstand and went straight from the bed into her en suite to begin her Sunday morning detoxifying routine.

It was about ten minutes before she came out of the bathroom wearing a mud mask and silk robe. When she spotted the box, she immediately looked to the door, noticing that it was closed, but wondering who had come in and left the box and when. Figuring it was a late gift delivered to the house, then delivered to her room by Dorota, she sat on her bed and took it in her lap. The box itself was about the size of a book and had an envelope resting on top. Of course, being polite, she opened the envelope before opening the gift.

'_Although it seems I wear my heart on my sleeve, I've never truly exposed my heart to anyone. But if there's anyone I want to give it to, it's you, B. This is just a little something to prove to you that I'm serious. I trust you with my heart, and maybe one day you'll trust me with yours again._

_Happy Birthday_

_-S.'_

She didn't know what to do with letter. It was a lot to take in, maybe too much. It had been less than twelve hours since seeing Serena for the first time in four years and she found it hard to fathom that her ex-friend would want to pick up right where they left off. But damn, it was a really sweet letter. She mentally cursed Serena for making her fold like a cheap paper plate. Then she mentally apologized to Serena for cursing her.

Placing the letter on the bed beside her, Blair folded back the tissue paper to reveal a well-worn leather bound book—a journal it seemed. It was a thick book. She untied the leather string holding it together and opened to the first page. It was dated almost four years ago to the date. She knew it was a few days after her birthday, and four years ago, that would have been a few days after Serena left her party with unnamed hookup number hundred-and-something and never returned.

She was reading Serena's journal. The blonde—notorious for "living in the moment" while hiding her true self—had given Blair her personal thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, and insecurities, all recorded in history in this journal. Blair breathed a deep sigh. She flipped through the pages, taking note that it was not used every day, but rather sporadically. When she reached the last page she read the date; the last entry was a short time ago. It was about a week ago. It contained exactly nine words:

'_I miss home. I hope she's missed me too.'_

Of course, the brunette wanted to run outside of her house and hail the nearest cab and yell to the driver to 'step on it!' so she could go find her Serena-bear and hug her until she literally bursts at the seams and all her teddy bear stuffing comes spilling out. But that had always been her instinct with Serena and she wasn't so sure she should listen to her instincts anymore, especially when it came to that particular woman. She was resolute in her decision that she would not, could not, let Serena get off so easily. If (and this is a very big 'if') she decided to let Serena back in and give their relationship a go, then she'd make it crystal clear that the blonde had her work cut out for her.

And maybe—despite all the changes in her behavior and the decision-making skills she's picked up in the last few years—she wanted to play a little game, just a tiny, insignificant teaser of a game to see how steadfast her once-and-future lover was. This was Serena van der Woodsen after all, she was flighty. Blair didn't quite trust the woman to stick to her guns in the face of a little roadblock or two. Blair was a firm believer in a few things, one of those being that all people should be tested for reliability before earning the right to be called her _girl_friend, much less her friend. But Serena did get off to good start with the journal, she admitted to herself. Trusting before being trusted was a good strategy. So she grabbed her phone from under her pillow and sent off a quick text to Nate. 'Please have Serena call me,' it read. She turned off the screen and walked over to her closet.

Fully expecting to get a call from the blonde soon, she needed to get dressed. She'd planned on asking the other woman out to get coffee as a thank you for the gift and also an acknowledgment that she has, indeed, accepted Serena's "challenge" (though it was only a challenge in Blair's mind). Opening the double doors, she perused the many clothing items until her eyes stopped on a burgundy sweater dress. It wasn't her usual style, but it did look amazing on her. And she was all for the idea of doing something that would throw Serena off her game a bit. She didn't want to show up in her usual garb and see that 'got it in the bag' look Serena often sported. She didn't need to know that she did kind of, almost, but not really have it in the bag.

She picked a pair of chocolate colored knee-high boots and a cute purse to match. Sunglasses—she'd need those, not just for the sun, but for the whole 'aloof' look. The plan was to get to the rendezvous a bit early, grab an outdoor table, keep the glasses on, bring a book (for show, not really for reading), and wait as Serena arrived. Then, when the blonde did arrive, she'd pretend to be so engrossed in the book that she'd hardly realize anyone standing there. She'd give a coy smile and stand to greet the blonde with a friendly hug and an air kiss and then they'd sit down and make small talk. She could literally see it all play out in her mind, it was perfect.

Her phone rang. Casually walking over to her bed to fetch the device, she stubbed her toe on the bed frame. "Ah! Dammit!" That was not an omen, not at all.

She had to basically dive on the bed to grab the phone in time and collect her breathing so as not to give away her flustered state. "Hi, Serena? Are you busy? I thought, you know, maybe we could grab some coffee?" She waited for the response and smiled rather genuinely when she heard the agreement. "So how is 10 o'clock at that place on 93rd and 2nd? Great, see you soon."

"Game on," she smirked to no one but herself.


	4. Chapter 4

The scene had been set beautifully and all was going to plan so far. The weather was perfect for the outfit she'd chosen, but not too cool to sit outside of the small café. When Blair arrived, she found a great table for two and claimed it. She pulled the book from the purse and opened it to a random page in the middle and began to read. Luckily for her, she'd read this one before, so if anyone were to ask her about it, she wouldn't look like an idiot. That, in itself, was testament to Blair's nature: everything by design.

She casually checked her watch and noted that Serena had about five minutes left to be on time, and four minutes to be on Blair's good side. After all, she was one with something to prove. If Serena truly wanted to make up the last four years to Blair and win her heart all over again, the least she could do was haul ass and get to where she said she would be on time. Serena probably didn't realize it, but this was test number one. Old Serena would think that if they had plans to meet at 10 o'clock, it really meant she had a minute grace period to show up. Blair was hoping that new Serena (if, in fact, she was _new_) would be more into proving herself to Blair and show up at 10 o'clock sharp. It would be the first step in proving to Blair that she was reliable and could be trusted with more than just keeping time.

As Blair carefully turned the page in her book, she noticed the shadow come over her but did not react. She heard a throat clear and a timid '_Hi,'_ before she looked up from her book and smiled nervously. She looked up and smiled, then stood to greet her company. They shared a brief, friendly hug then Blair moved her purse from the chair on the other side of the table and placed it on the back of her own chair. Blair took the opportunity to glance down at her watch – 9:59.

Serena sat down and Blair closed her book, sliding it to the side of the table.

"_The Secret Life of Bees?_" the blonde asked?

"Yeah, I read it about a year ago. But you know how sometimes you read a book a second time and the story seems to take on a whole new meaning?"

"Interesting how that happens. I think sometimes we just need to take a step back so we can gain new perspective and see things more clearly than we did the first time."

"The only problem with that is you may find you don't enjoy the story as much as you thought you did. You start to pick up on all the plot holes and character motivations that don't make sense. The story loses some of the charm you thought it had the first read."

"But if you read carefully and with an open mind, you realize that plot holes and misplaced motivations are reflective of life. Every story has details that don't quite make sense to us or that we don't like, but that's life. The presence of flaws shouldn't make the story any less charming or magical. If that's how you felt the first time reading it, then maybe you can still find that magic, flawed characters and all."

"What are you really doing back in New York?" Blair questioned. The situation was slipping quickly from her grasp – she had to get it back on track.

Leaning back in her seat, Serena took a moment to gather her thoughts. Blair tried to appear nonchalant but it was taking a tremendous amount of effort to not show her vulnerability.

"Did you read my journal?"

She considered the question. It was not an answer to her original question, but she obliged anyway. "I read a couple of pages," Blair admitted. "Thank you, by the way. It was… brave of you to allow me to read your journal. But I don't see how that answers my question."

"I wanted – no, I needed to tell you those things. I needed you to know that what I did wasn't easy for me. But at the time, I thought it was what I had to do."

A waiter came by and asked for their orders. As each woman ordered, the other took a moment to brace for the upcoming conversation. They were under no delusions that this meeting would be easy and everything would be just as it were before. But Blair felt the weight of the situation. She felt like she did that night three years ago when no one showed up to her birthday party. All at once, she wanted to hug Serena and seek warmth and comfort and familiarity and she wanted to freeze her out and give her a taste of her own medicine.

The waiter walked away with their drink orders and Serena continued. "If you read the journal, you'll understand more than I can explain to you. But I had to leave for both of us. I knew that if we got serious something would happen and I would lose you. I didn't want to lose you as my friend. You're my best friend and above everything else and I didn't want to ruin that."

"But you did. That's what doesn't make sense to me. You kept saying that you were scared and you didn't want to lose me, then you just go and throw me away."

"I didn't _throw you away_, Blair, I was protecting our friendship."

"And now you're making bad excuses for what you did. If you didn't love me and didn't want to be with me why not just tell me? You could have just said something to me instead of letting me believe for years that I wasn't crazy to hold out hope. But if you didn't want me, you should have told me."

"I didn't tell you because that wasn't the case. I _did_ want you-"

She was interrupted when the waiter came back to the table with a café mocha for Blair and an Americano for Serena. They waited until they were alone again to continue the heated conversation, neither woman moving to touch her drink.

"What did I do that was so bad?" Blair asked. She'd seemingly lost the struggle to rein in her insecurities. But she'd wanted to ask the other woman that question for so long. She needed to know.

"What?"

"Whatever I did – it was so bad that you ignored me the whole night. You didn't even say goodbye before you left, you just looked at me like I didn't exist to you anymore and you left. I could never figure out what I did to make you so angry."

Tears threatened to spill from Serena's eyes. It had been four years and she hadn't had to face the damage she'd caused when she left. She hadn't had to face it mostly because it seemed the only person she'd damaged was Blair. And Blair was the one person in her life she'd ended all communication with. Blair could see the turmoil in Serena's eyes; she was afraid to press any further because Serena could run. Sure, she'd come back to New York, supposedly for Blair. But there was honestly nothing keeping the blonde rooted here and Blair was afraid to push her away again. But she needed answers. She needed to know whether this woman who claimed to want her back would stick around when things got tough, so she re-grouped and went ahead with the plan she'd devised before she got here.

"Serena, I need to know. I tried to figure it out but I never could. I played over that night in my mind so many times and I could never understand how I'd made you so angry with me." She was slowly breaking the blonde, she could tell. _Good, _Blair thought. Blair was here for the truth. She couldn't make any major life decisions without the truth and she couldn't get to Serena's truth unless she punched a few holes in her façade. "It's because you didn't really love me, right?"

"Don't say that," the taller woman whispered.

"But it's true. If it isn't true, how could you have just left and ended all contact with me? You stayed away for years. You either simply didn't love me or you hated me. I must have done something-"

"It wasn't you, it was me-"

The brunette laughed, "That's what they all say…"

"It's true." She took a sip of her coffee before continuing. "You're right, I was angry at you. You're the only person to ever see who I really am. But you got too close and I realized how close you were and it terrified me. I knew at that point that you could easily break me and worse, I could do something stupid like I always do and hurt you. Yeah, I was afraid to ruin what we had but I also really didn't want to hurt you. So I had to pretend you weren't there. I had to completely shut down and turn off my feelings for you otherwise I wouldn't have been able to do it. I'm so sorry that I made you feel like you'd done something to make me hate you; that could never happen."

Blair played with the edges of the pages of her book. The mocha sat in front of her untouched, the steam had been lost to the autumn air. She'd gotten the truth out of Serena. She wasn't completely satisfied with the answer, and she wanted more, but so far the blonde had obliged. She hadn't run or avoided her questions. But before Blair could say anything else, they were joined by an uninvited guest.

"Fancy running into the two of you," Nate smiled. He'd been walking down the street and spotted the women. Nate hadn't picked up on the tension between the two and pulled up a chair, making the duo a trio.

Serena offered a smile and greeted their friend in return. "What are you doing here?"

"I was just out for a walk, no particular destination in mind."

The waiter from before, who'd seen Nate park himself at their table, came over and asked for his order. Blair watched in disdain as the oblivious man ordered not only coffee, but breakfast as well. She glanced at Serena who seemed to be rather unperturbed by the intrusion. She scoffed. Of course the blonde would welcome her on-again-off-again arm candy into their very serious, long-awaited conversation about _their_ future. Blair wasn't just her normal level of jealous; she was disappointed again because when it came to Nate or anyone else in Serena's life, she'd always play second fiddle.

"So what's on the schedule today? Maybe we can catch a movie or do a little shopping? I know Blair would never say no to a shopping spree."

"Actually Nate, Blair and I were catching up. Maybe we can shop another time."

She really wasn't comfortable enough to stay and continue the whole Serena conversation; thank God for Brandeis, who, in that moment, provided her the perfect out.

"Actually, I was just about to leave." She held up her phone to show the new text message from the fake girlfriend. "I was supposed to meet Brandeis around eleven; I should probably get going."

Ignoring Serena's piercing gaze, she packed up her book and fished some cash out of her purse. "This should cover my coffee. Serena, thanks again for the present. Nate, enjoy breakfast," she patted him on the arm before standing and vacating the table. Before she could get away from the front of the café, she felt herself being tugged back.

"Wait, Blair," Serena stopped her. "We were just getting somewhere and suddenly you have to leave? I can tell Nate to leave; I was about to tell him."

"I have to meet Brandeis. I don't want to be late."

"Well, can we meet again to talk? I really do want to catch up. How about dinner at my place tomorrow? I'll cook."

"You'll cook?" she snorted.

"Yes! I cook now. And I got my own place. I'm not sure how to decorate it yet. I just haven't really gotten a feel for the place yet. Who knows, maybe if you see it, you'll be able to tell me what to do with it."

It was hard for Blair to accept that things were falling right into place with her and Serena, almost like they hadn't been separated for four years. It was happening so easily, but it was so hard for her to allow it (as if she'd had a choice in the matter).

"I work tomorrow."

"Wait, what? Blair Waldorf _works?!_" Serena teased.

Blair couldn't help but laugh a little. "I know, right? But yes, I realized that sitting around the house being a rich, spoiled heiress didn't quite fulfill me the way I'd always thought it would."

"So come over after work. I'll have dinner ready, a glass of your favorite wine and maybe a mini Audrey marathon." She paused, giving Blair time to think it over, and when the brunette gave the smallest hint of a smile, her own smile widened. "I can't wait. Call me tomorrow for the address."

"Okay," she nodded. Her phone chimed again and she smiled sheepishly.

"Tell Brandeis the Doctor to relax."

"Jealous much?" Blair smirked and turned to walk away. If she had seen the blonde's face as she walked away, she'd know the answer to that question: yes.

As Serena reclaimed her seat at the table, she took note that Nate had received his breakfast and was halfway through the Sunday morning breakfast special.

"I can't believe you," she said.

"What? What did I do?"

"You're so clueless sometimes…"


	5. Chapter 5

Her day had been hellish, and Blair could barely throw herself into the back seat of the car that had picked her up from the office. She thought about re-scheduling with Serena but looked down into her bag at the leather book she'd been carrying and thought otherwise. They had a lot to catch up on, she and Serena. She had been reading the journal this morning over coffee. She read about Serena's first few days of isolation – how both Dan and Nate had tried to book flights to visit her; how her mother had been angry at her for leaving so suddenly; how she kept trying to convince herself that she'd done the best thing for herself and Blair. It was kind of frustrating, reading the many excuses Serena gave herself for her behavior. She'd had no concept of how her actions affected other people, not really. She justified everything she did by saying that it's what was best for that person.

Earlier that morning, she'd started reading a page that described a one night stand about two weeks after she'd arrived in Majorca. That's when Blair had closed the book and left for work. She hadn't felt comfortable just leaving the journal at home, so she'd tucked it into her case and took off.

Checking her phone, Blair instructed the driver on where to take her. The building wasn't far from Serena's family home, and even closer to Blair's house. Ignoring the nostalgia flaring up in her chest, Blair reminded herself that she had a goal: test Serena's commitment by presenting her with a series of challenges. Basically she needed to found out if Serena was in it to win it – if she was ride or die (yes, that even sounded weird to Blair in her own head; she'd never say it out loud). But Serena had always had it easy. Everyone would just hand their hearts over to the gorgeous woman without the slightest provocation and she never truly appreciated it. This time, before Blair made any decisions, she needed to know for sure that Serena would always be a safe haven. _Game on,_ she thought as the driver pulled up to the front of the building. Blair resolved that no matter what magic charms the blonde used on her, no matter how sweetly she gave affection, she would not give in. This test of Serena's willpower would also prove to be a test of her own.

She got off the elevator on the eleventh floor – it was the highest in the building; it was the penthouse floor. A small corridor led to the front door of the penthouse. As she approached, she could hear music, and pots and pans shuffling around. She rang the bell and waited for a few moments before the door swung open. She was greeted by a sight she didn't even realize she'd missed: the tall blonde, barefoot in a pair of skinny jeans and an oversized sweater. It was Serena's go-to lounging outfit and Blair always loved cuddling on the sofa with her in her fluffy sweaters. They always smelled so good. In that moment, Blair knew she was screwed. One way or another, she was losing this battle but she wouldn't go down without a fight.

"Hey," the other woman beamed. "Come on in. How are you?" Serena leaned down a bit to kiss her on the cheek. She wrapped her hand around Blair's waist; the brunette almost moaned at the contact. It had been literal years since they'd had any real contact like this.

"I'm exhausted. Work was especially painful today. I've never really understood how working with a team of highly experienced senior partners is more like wrangling a room full of obstinate toddlers. Temper tantrums are an epidemic in the office."

Rather than reply, Serena simply smiled.

"What?"

"Nothing, it's just – this suits you. I can see you being one of those bossy senior partners one day. Maybe even running your own firm."

"I would never be anything like those creeps."

"No, you'd be better. I'm so proud of you."

She blushed at the compliment and couldn't find the words to reply. "So, what's for dinner? Hopefully something good."

"Nothing but the best for you, my darling." Serena led the way further into the penthouse. She was right when she said she didn't know how to decorate. The place was huge and open and quite sparse. But it had a beautiful view and a great layout. A staircase with dark stained wood came down into the living room. The living room contained a huge sectional, ill-matched coffee table, and a wall mounted television. There was a giant kitchen island with several bar stools around it. But otherwise, the place didn't look to be well furnished.

"You were right when you said the décor needed work."

"Yeah, I just don't really know what I feel for the place yet."

"Eventually you've got to give the baby a name, Serena."

With her signature smirk, she replied, "You know when we were kids I always thought it would be cool to have a baby with you. So why don't you give the baby a name?"

It was a silent a moment until both women laughed. "You want a glass of wine?" Serena offered.

"Yes, please. So what culinary delight have you planned for me tonight?"

"I decided to take a risk and go for simple comfort food. Tonight we are feasting on grilled chicken fettucine Alfredo."

"That sounds perfect," she smiled.

"Hey, do you want to change out of your work clothes? The whole theme of tonight is comfort and that," the blonde looks Blair's work outfit over, "is not comfortable looking at all."

"I doubt anything in your wardrobe fits me."

"Oh, come on. I'm sure you can find some leggings or sweats or something that will work. Please? I want you to be comfy. Besides, once you stuff yourself with all these carbs you'll wish you'd had listened to me."

"Fine, point me to the bedroom and I'll see what I can find."

"Up the stairs, to the right. It's the door at the end of the hall."

The blonde busied herself in the kitchen preparing the final elements of the meal as Blair made her way up the stairs.

Once in the bedroom, Blair took a look around. The room included a king sized bed and chaise lounge in the corner. There was an en suite and a walk-in closet about the size of a second bedroom. She mentally applauded Serena for the amazing presentation of shoes in the closet. But she made quick work of putting together a "comfy" outfit of a pair of denim leggings and a cropped t-shirt. Serena was playing dirty from the get-go. She knew Blair loved it when she wore her extra-large sweaters; she couldn't resist the cuddle. But in her absence, Serena seemed to have forgotten that Blair was the queen of manipulation. So cropped t-shirt it is, even though she'd never be caught dead in public in it. She had the added advantage of being smaller than Serena so the shirt hung off her shoulder more than it was probably made to do. She found the other woman's sock drawer; a pair of fluffy socks finished out the outfit and she made her way back down the stairs. She didn't outwardly acknowledge it, but it wasn't lost to her how Serena almost lost her balance when she came back into the kitchen.

"If I remember correctly, I've been promised an evening of food, wine and pampering. You may begin."

"I don't recall the part about pampering, but I have your wine and your food." Serena led the way to the dining table and Blair followed. The table had been set, not too extravagantly, but she could tell Serena had tried to create a certain ambiance. There were two small candles lit and the music had gotten softer. It was quite romantic, and she was impressed.

Dinner was great. Even more impressive than Serena's attempts to woo her was the fact that dinner was amazing. The last time she'd eaten with Serena, the blonde could barely slice up some fruit and turn it into an edible breakfast. However, tonight's entrée really satisfied Blair, who hadn't so much as chewed a piece of gum all day, thanks to the fresh hell that was her Monday. She'd even had seconds.

9 p.m. found the duo cuddling on the massive sofa. Blair had called it – she couldn't resist the cuddle and Serena took full advantage of that fact. They hadn't spoken since the movie started, but Blair could feel the other woman's mind racing a mile a minute. She knew Serena wanted to ask something of her, wanted a guarantee that he'd been forgiven, and they could pick up where they left off. She wanted answers. Blair didn't have answers, but she had an idea.

"Magenta," she whispered.

Serena blinked away her confusion. "Chartreuse."

"What?"

"We're not just blurting out random colors?"

"No. For this room, I'm thinking maybe a gunmetal grey with magenta and splashes of navy. Or the opposite: navy with splashes of magenta."

"Hmm," Serena entertained the idea. "I'm not sure I can picture it."

"Do you have any magazines?"

Serena pointed, "On the shelf underneath the t.v."

Blair got up and brought the magazines over to the coffee table; Serena took this opportunity to stand up and stretch her long limbs. She brought another bottle of wine over and sat down on the sofa as Blair tore through her magazines on the floor.

"See, look," the brunette had ripped images out of the magazines and arranged them as a sort of idea board. The objects were all in the color scheme she'd mentioned.

"Yeah, actually, I think that looks really good."

"Of course it does; I wouldn't have suggested it if it didn't."

"Do you think you could help me with this? It's just that this place is still pretty new and I'm not really feeling a connection to it yet, so decorating has been a chore, and I'm-"

"You're terrible at begging for help, do you know that?"

"Please?"

Blair looked up and regretted it instantly. Serena was sporting her signature helpless puppy eyes. Her insides turned to mush and she vowed to get her revenge for it.

"Fine, but please put away that pouty lip before I bite it off your face."

"Or you could just bite it…"

Both women blushed. "I don't think you'd be able to handle it if I did," Blair returned.

"Try me."

Before she could return another volley, her phone loudly chimed from its place on the coffee table. She picked it up to check the message. She'd arranged for Brandeis to text her at a certain time to either give an out if needed or use it rile Serena up a bit.

"Let me guess," the blonde leaned back into the sofa, "your girlfriend?"

"She just wants to know how everything is going. Actually, I think I'm going to get going. I've got an early day tomorrow, meetings all day."

"Are you sure? It's kind of late. You could stay over…"

"I'm not sure that would be the best idea."

Serena nodded before replying. "How did you get here?"

"Company car. I can take a cab back."

"No, let me call a car for you. I don't want you taking a sketchy cab back home this late."

"Thank you," Blair smiled. "Let me go get my things." She headed up the stairs to Serena's room where she'd left her clothes and shoes. Though when she got into the bedroom, she realized she didn't feel like changing back into her stuffy work clothes, so she simply put her heels back on. It would be rather cold now that it's later in the night, so she grabbed one of Serena's sweaters and put it on over the t-shirt.

Blair came downstairs and watched as Serena balanced herself by the front door so she could slip on a pair of boots. She had her keys in her hand and when she finished putting the boots on, grabbed Blair's coat from the closet.

"Going somewhere?" Blair questioned as she put her arms through the offered coat sleeves.

"I'm going to walk you down."

"Aw, my hero!" she teased. "But who will protect _you_ on the perilous journey back up to the penthouse?"

"I think I can handle myself."

"And I can't?"

"Just stop snarking at me and embrace the chivalry. Let's go."

It was quiet as they rode the elevator down. Ignoring the circumstances, this would have been a great date and Blair questioned her sanity as she wanted to kiss Serena but also kick her in the shins for causing them to miss out on four years of great dates.

When they arrived in the lobby, they stood near the glass doors of the building waiting on the driver Serena had called. Apparently, he'd been two minutes away but was re-routed due to construction.

"Hey," Serena spoke, "I never asked you what you thought of the journal."

Rather than looking at the other woman, Blair's eyes remained fixed on the front of the building, looking out for her ride. "I thought it revealed how incredibly thoughtless you were when you left, how misguided, self-centered and irrational you were. I know you say you had to protect me, but I think the thought of us scared you so much, you needed to protect yourself. But you deluded yourself into thinking it's what was best for me."

She didn't know how to respond to that because it was true. Serena couldn't even look in Blair's direction after she said that, so she, too, focused her attention on the front of the building.

"Do you think you'll finish reading it or have you had enough?"

"You really want me to read all of it?"

"Yeah. That's why I gave it to you."

"Even the part about the waitress from Majorca?"

"Oh shit, I forgot about that."

"Must not have been that great, then."

"Look, B, I have you my journal. My deepest thoughts and secrets and insecurities are in there. I'm trusting you to do as you see fit. You can read it or not. I just…I want you to know the parts of me no one else knows and to be able to love me anyway."

Their attention was stolen by the black SUV that drove up to the sidewalk.

"Guess this is my ride?"

"Yeah, that's Fred. He's a good driver. All paid for and tipped, so don't worry about anything."

"Thank you, Serena." Blair walked out of the building and headed toward the car. Serena followed behind and signaled to the driver to stay in the car. She opened the door to let Blair in but stopped her before she could enter the vehicle.

"Hey, Blair?"

"Yes?"

"Please make sure your girlfriend changes the sheets before she lets you in the bed."

She received a slap on the arm from Blair in response. "Stop it, seriously. She's not like that anymore. She's a good person."

"Do you love her?"

"Good night, S."

"B?"

"Yes?"

"Happy birthday," Serena smiled as she wrapped her long arms around Blair and held on tightly. Blair closed her eyes and inhaled Serena's scent. Before she could nuzzle the blonde, she gently pulled herself out of the hug and got into the car. Serena closed the door behind her.


	6. Chapter 6

"You know, Nate, for someone who's supposedly rooting for Blair and me, you have a funny way of showing it," Serena sipped on her coffee as she and Nate walked down 5th.

"What are you talking about?"

"You keep interrupting us! Every time I seem to be making progress, you just pop up out of nowhere. What is that?"

"I don't know, I didn't realize. I guess I just…I don't know."

"Are you jealous?"

"Whoa," he laughed, "of who?"

"I don't know, that's why I'm asking. Do you feel left out or something?"

"No, Serena, I'm not jealous of either of you. I just apparently have bad timing and I'm oblivious."

"Hmm."

They walked in silence for a while more until Serena suddenly stopped. She looked up at the beautifully crafted building and took a deep breath before tossing her coffee cup in a nearby trash can.

"Hey, Nate?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I'm about to do something crazy, I need your moral support."

He looked at his friend and looked at the building. A couple exited into the chilly autumn air, but they were all smiles. He looked again at Serena. She was sporting her _I-realize-this-seems-stupid-but-I'm-doing-it-anyway-because-it-feels-right_ look.

"I'm here for you. You sure?"

"It just hit me like a ton of bricks that I've never been more sure about anything."

"Alright then," he opened the door of the building and waited for her to enter. "Let's do this."

Cell phone indicators all over the city went off like bombs notifying their recipients of an incoming message.

"_Spotted: Look who's having breakfast at Tiffany's. I wonder what's on the menu…"_

Serena opened the door to her penthouse in response to the incessant knocking. In her haste, she hadn't looked to see who was on the other side because if she had, she probably would have let him keep standing out there.

"Breakfast at Tiffany's? With Nate?" Chuck questioned in his silky, slimy voice.

"No, actually it was breakfast and then Tiffany's. What do you want Chuck?"

He moved past her, letting himself into the apartment. He took a seat at the kitchen island. There was a plate of food sitting on the counter, still steaming. He helped himself to it.

"I don't think I have to tell you how that photo affects Blair even though she's pretending to be completely unbothered by it and the rumors going along with it."

"No, you don't have to tell me. But it's not my fault I can't make a single move in New York without Gossip Girl getting a hold of some photo evidence and twisting it into a scandal. It's obviously not what it looks like."

"It never is. So… how much did you spend?"

She looked at him intensely for a moment, lulling over whether to tell him. She knew he was protective of Blair and wouldn't let this get out until the time was right, but one could never be so sure about Chuck.

"I'll only tell you if you swear on whatever little honor you have left as my ex-step brother that you will neither show nor tell a soul until I'm ready."

Crossing his heart, he smiled. It always excited Chuck to be on the receiving end of a juicy tidbit.

Serena walked over to the living room, followed by Chuck. They sat down on the sofa where she handed him the Tiffany-blue box. When he opened it, he was honestly shocked.

"Holy shit, you bought her a ring?"

"The day after I left, I woke up thinking that I should run back as quickly as I could and ask her to marry me. I never wanted to not have her in my life, I was just being stupid. The night I came back, I had the same feeling. I'm just hoping she can forgive me and will see that we're meant to be."

He laughed. He laughed for a while and didn't stop, but she laughed with him. Their lives were so crazy, but it was nice to just have an honest moment of levity.

"I think you're crazy, but so is Blair. Somehow, it seems the two of you were cut from the same crazy cloth. I think she wants what you want, but you know her. She's been hurt. She won't let you have this easily."

"Yeah, I know. She's been making me work for her attention."

"Well, anything worth having is worth fighting for…"

He got up and headed toward the door and she followed after him.

"Hey Chuck? Thank you. I know you want Blair to be happy and so do I. Please don't tell her or anyone?"

"I want you to be happy, too." It made her smile whenever her step-brother let the nice parts of himself show through. She closed the door behind him and took a deep breath. He was right about one thing: she was gearing up for the fight of her life to win Blair over and keep her.

Back in the kitchen, Serena's laptop lay in wait. She unlocked the screen to continue her search for '_cute ways to say I'm thinking about you.'_ It was cheesy, she knew, but she really wanted Blair to know that she was serious. She'd started something with the gift of her journal and she wanted to continue gifting Blair with things that showed that she was serious about them and she was here for the long haul. The problem was she just wasn't that good at wooing. She'd never had to woo anyone. Either they wooed her, or they weren't a serious enough prospect to even necessitate wooing.

All the search results brought up were romantic quotes or things to say to someone you loved; she needed tangible things she could give Blair – things that she could see and hold and think of Serena. She'd seen a Buzzfeed post on unconventional gifts to give someone to show them you care. Blair would probably hate all of them, but one stood out. _Hand warmers._ The brunette was always cold. It was a simple, yet adorable way to let someone know you care. At the very least, it was a start.

She had just finished paying for a fifty-count box of hand warmers when her phone vibrated harshly on the table.

**_'_****_I'm hosting a senior partner's nephew tomorrow evening. Care to join us for dinner at my place?'_**

_'__Dress code?'_ she immediately typed in response.

**_'_****_Make all the girls want you and all the boys want to _****be ****_you.'_**

Serena smirked, thinking up the perfect outfit. _'I know exactly what to wear to make a certain girl want me…'_ she replied.

A few moments passed before the next reply. **_'Be here at 7.'_**

_Oh yeah, _Serena thought to herself, _Blair will be a pile of mush by 7:15…_

It was 7 p.m. sharp and Serena stood in front of Blair's door waiting to ring the bell. She knew it would irk Blair if she arrived at 7:02 rather than the prescribed 7:00 sharp. And God help her because she just _loved_ to get under Blair's skin any way she could.

Her leather-gloved fingers fidgeted with the high collar of her sharply tailored pea coat. She looked down at her shoes, still not sure if she'd made the right choice with the wing tip shoes or if she should have gone with the more feminine pumps, but it was too late now. She'd just have to commit and own it like the master of questionable choices she was.

Looking down at the subtle gift bag in her hand, she decided it was probably just after 7 and the perfect time to ring the bell, announcing her arrival. When she realized that the outline of the person coming to answer her call was that of the bossy brunette rather than her long-time housekeeper, Serena smiled thinking of all the ways Blair had changed since they'd last been together all those years ago. It was refreshing to see her do simple things for herself like open the door to company or put away the leftover food the way she had done that night at Serena's penthouse. All the fond and warm thoughts, however, left her mind when Blair opened the door revealing a figure-hugging, deep red dress with matching fuck-me heels. The blonde had a moment where she fully understood the plight of horn-dogs everywhere because she absolutely wanted to pounce on the smaller woman and hump her leg. Of course, she felt bad for the thought – it was dirty and skeezy but honest. She quickly tossed those thoughts out of her mind though, reminding herself that she, too, has made some personal changes in the last few years. She no longer needs to compel herself to screw everything that moves.

"You're late," Blair chastised as she ushered her into the foyer.

Serena smirked in reply, "No, I think I'm right on time. Here, I got something for you." She held the gift bag out to the other woman who smiled in reply.

"What is it?"

"Open it and you'll find out."

She held the bag with one hand and with the other pulled out the box of hand warmers, a brief look of confusion crossing her face. "Hand warmers?"

"Yeah, because you're always cold. And there should be enough in the box to at least get you halfway through winter. When you need more, let me know," she smiled. It really was a simple, inexpensive, and unusual gift, but Serena was very proud of it. It was thoughtful and was purchased with nothing in mind but Blair's warmth and comfort.

And yeah, Blair was a pile of mush way before 7:15. She hugged Serena. Serena would be lying if she said those dog-like thoughts didn't cross her mind when she hugged the shorter woman back. She didn't want to let go, but she felt Blair begin to pull away. As she pulled away, she noticed the mushy look on Blair's face was quickly being replaced with something more business-like. Blair was emotionally running again. Serena would have to stop that.

She took off her gloves and coat, closely watching the brunette's expression when her choice of outfit was revealed. She'd worn something similar in the past for a charity fashion event and took note of the fact that Blair couldn't tear her eyes away from her that night. This time, however, she'd gone with more tailored, close fitting slacks. Rather than pair the white button down shirt with a loose tie as she'd done years ago, she went with a pair of suspenders. Blair checked her out. She tried to play it off but she caught the moment before Blair swept it away.

"Okay, so I'm going to hang your coat and put away this lovely gift. You know your way around. Senior partner's nephew's name is Jason. Introduce yourself and play nice."

As Blair walked away, Serena watched her go. She looked down for a moment and didn't notice when the other woman turned her head, catching her red-handed.

When Serena made her way into the sitting room, she was greeted immediately by who she assumed was Jason, as he stood from the sofa and introduced himself. And then she noticed the second person in the room – Brandeis. _Well, _Serena thought to herself, _I only have myself to blame for taking the bait._ In that moment, she knew exactly what game this was – this was Blair's vying-for-your-attention-by-making-you-jealous-while-simultaneously-testing-your-allegiance-by-dangling-fresh-meat-in-your-face game. The board was all set: Jason, the fresh meat, whose purpose was to test Serena's seriousness about her feelings for Blair; and Brandeis, the instrument meant to make Serena jealous and hopefully bait her into some sort of fight for Blair's affection.

Blair had purposely led her to believe this dinner just involved entertaining some boss's son or whatever while also getting to spend time with her. She purposely didn't mention Brandeis' attendance, Serena knew that now. The only question now was would she stay and play or leave and be done with the whole thing? She couldn't tell whether Blair was doing all of this because she actually wanted Serena or because she was still angry and wanted to torture her. She decided to play. But she would absolutely not play by Blair's rules.

When Blair entered the room, Serena could tell she was trying to get a sense of the tension in the room. So the blonde took the opportunity now that Blair's full attention was on her and put on her most sincere smile.

"Brandeis," she walked over to the other blonde in the room. "I'm glad you're here. I want to apologize for the way I treated you in the past and for my whole attitude toward you and Blair. She's obviously happy with you. Anyone can see that…" From the corner of her eye, she noticed how wide Blair's eyes had gotten since she began speaking. "But anyway, I'm sorry. I hope we can move forward and maybe be friends. If Blair sees the best in you, then I can try to see it too." She holds out a hand for Brandeis, who accepts the friendly gesture with a smile.

"Thank you for that," the doctor says. "I've made margaritas – would you like one?"

"Yes! I've been saving my liquor appetite for tonight – I haven't had a drink all day," she says. Everyone in the room laughs except Blair, who's still too stunned to move. _Game on,_ Serena thinks.


	7. Chapter 7

Everyone was gone and Blair laid in her bed, the room illuminated by the single lamp on her nightstand. She didn't know how to feel about tonight's disaster of a dinner party. Of course it was only a disaster because it hadn't gone the way Blair planned for it to go. It went well. Serena showed not a single ounce of jealousy toward Brandeis. Serena even possibly proved her stability and genuine feelings for Blair when she rebuffed Jason's flirtations and told him that she'd consider going out with him if he grew his hair out and got a boob job. He'd laughed good-naturedly and asked if she wanted to show him around the city – as friends – while he was in town. They'd made plans to do a strip club crawl, for crying out loud!

Blair couldn't be more disappointed with the outcome of the evening. And while Serena was being all loyal and friendly and non-combative, all Blair had wanted to do was get her alone for a few minutes and straddle her and stain that tight, white shirt with her red lipstick. Horrible. The night was horrible.

But while it may seem that the blonde proved to be more evolved than she had been in their entire relationship, Blair couldn't quite determine Serena's state of mind. Did she accept her "relationship" with Brandeis out of friendliness or because she was truly happy for them and wanted them to be together? Serena was honest with Jason about her feelings for women, which was nice to hear. At least it confirmed that Blair wasn't just an experiment to her or some type of extreme girl-crush. But then they made plans to visit a strip club – what was that about? She'd have to crash that event because there was no way her pride would allow _her _Serena to ogle oily, sweaty, glittery women on a stage.

Blair's feet were cold under the sheets and she moved toward the nightstand for a pair of fuzzy socks. Then she eyed the gift bag Serena had given her and decided to see if the hand warmers also made good feet warmers.

As she laid in bed, all warm and cozy with the hand warmers lining the insides of her socks, Blair cracked open the journal Serena had gifted her. She smiled when she opened to a random page that had a small photo of the two of them taped to it. It was from a random night out on the town, just the two of them.

_Dear Journal,_

_I remember that night like it was yesterday. It was the first time I'd built up enough courage to hold Blair's hand in public. Well, not really; we'd held hands before. But usually it was in a friendly way. That night, I wanted her to know how I felt. I was definitely not ready to tell her, but I wanted to show her. She looked surprised when I took her hand, but she held on tight and didn't let it go almost all night._

_We kissed that weekend. It wasn't the first time, but it was first real kiss that wasn't just for fun, or just for show. It happened at her house after we woke up in the morning. I was kind of scared because she wasn't freaking out like I thought she might. I was kind of freaking out but I didn't want her to see that. Blair acted as if it was normal and we had been doing this all along. I felt guilty too, because I was seeing someone and I wasn't ready to make the major changes I knew Blair was ready to make. I didn't want to hurt her, but I couldn't stop kissing her. _

_We went back to sleep and ended up sleeping in late. It felt really nice when she let me hold her. Her body fit so well with mine. I never even cared that her feet were perpetually freezing even with socks on. But it was a lot for me back then. I couldn't handle the thought of being with her that way and then hurting her; or her hurting me. Now though, I realize I messed up. I missed a really good thing and I don't know if I can get it back. I hope I can, one day._

_-S._

Blair closed the journal and tossed it to the other side of the bed. She reached out to her nightstand and picked up her phone, dialing her best friend's number. She worried Serena wouldn't answer – it was kind of late. But honestly, what did Serena have to do in the morning?

She waited a few rings before she received an answer on the other end, though she wasn't sure if anyone was there since Serena hadn't announced herself. She heard breathing.

"Serena? Are you awake?"

_"__Yeah."_

"Oh. Um, I was hoping you'd be free for lunch tomorrow since we didn't get to spend too much time alone tonight."

_"__What's going on Blair?" _Serena asked. Blair could hear the exasperation in her voice.

"What do you mean?"

_"__You know what I mean. Jason? You invited me over tonight to try to set me up with your boss' son."_

"Nephew."

_"__Whatever, Blair. Why would you do that?"_

Obviously Serena was not happy about tonight, but Blair didn't think she knew too much. She could still work her way out of this mess. "I wasn't exactly trying to set you up…"

_"__Oh,"_ the blonde chuckled. _"I get it. Of course you didn't want me to _actually _be interested in Jason; you just wanted to see if I'd take the bait."_

Blair took a deep breath. It was clear she wouldn't be able to slip her way out of this so easily. "S, I'm sorry, okay? You know me," she laughed nervously.

_"__Yeah, B, I know you."_

"You keep telling me you want to start over, that you want to be with me. Just because you give me nice presents and start acting like a model "suitor" or whatever doesn't mean I believe what you say. It's hard for me to believe you. I just wanted to know if you'd go back to old habits if given the chance."

There was silence on Serena's end; Blair wanted to ask if she was still there but also wanted to give her a minute to respond. Most likely – if she knew Serena the way she thought she did – the blonde was contemplating whether she was being truthful and to what degree. Truthfully, only partially.

"S? I'm really sorry. Do you believe me?"

_"__Are we ever going to be done with the games and secrets?"_

"I want to," Blair admitted.

_"__Lunch tomorrow?"_

"If you're free."

_"__Okay. I'll see you tomorrow."_ Serena ended the call.

Blair placed her phone back on the nightstand and turned off the light. She sank back into the pillows and whispered a silent 'thank you' to the atmosphere. Tomorrow would be an interesting day, so Blair closed her eyes and allowed sleep to take her. That night she dreamed of that first real kiss with Serena. If she was lucky, she'd get to experience that feeling again.


	8. Chapter 8

It appeared Blair wouldn't be so lucky after all. Their lunch had gone so well but now she was pretty sure she'd ruined her chance at being with Serena. She hadn't even realized that she'd gotten over her fear of being with the woman, and her broken heart had begun to mend. It was all irrelevant now because she's pretty sure Serena's done with her, if that disappointed look on her face is anything to go by. She'd probably leave New York again and this time never come back. Everything was so perfect just a few minutes ago…

_The two women had finished their meals and were simply enjoying each other's company. They'd talked ad nauseum about why Serena left and why she came back and the fact that Blair was not single and the possibility of maybe being open to the idea of dating each other. Blair could have kicked herself for this whole Brandeis thing; because of that lie, she couldn't just come out and tell Serena she wanted to date her; she had to pretend to be thinking about sparing Brandeis' feelings. _

_They talked about the Gossip Girl blast with the photo of Serena and Nate leaving Tiffany's together. Blair couldn't hide the hurt from her face and Serena couldn't hide the surprise on hers when she brought it up. Of course, S had a perfectly reasonable explanation. But no matter what they'd gone into Tiffany's for, it felt like a betrayal that Serena would even take Nate into _Blair's _store._

_It seemed their afternoon had come to a peaceable end; they each promised to give more thought to the idea of taking their relationship further. As they put on their outerwear and made to leave the restaurant, Blair noticed Serena's eyes drift to the side. She had barely enough time to notice the change in the blonde's demeanor, figure out the reason for that change and follow quickly after her._

_The blonde heiress came to a stop next to a table in the center of the restaurant where Brandeis and some random guy were seated. The two sat closely to each other; they had been mid-kiss when they realized they were no longer alone._

_"__Can I help you?" the man asked?_

_Serena eyed him for a second but quickly disregarded his question in favor of glaring down the escort-turned-doctor. "See B, I told you she wasn't good enough for you. She'll never be anything more than a lying, scheming, gold-digging whor-"_

_"__Serena, stop it!" Blair cut her off. "Let's just go." She tried to pull the taller woman away from the scene, but Serena was relentless when on a mission._

_"__Not yet, B." Turning back to the man at the table she asked, "Do you know you're making out with a liar and an opportunist? She's been dating my friend and apparently seeing you behind Blair's back. Or maybe she's been seeing Blair behind _your_ back. Either way, I guess old habits die hard, huh Brandeis?"_

_At a loss for words, the man asked Brandeis what was going on and she had a look as though panicked. "Blair, please tell her now or I will. This has gone too far," she pleaded._

_Serena looked back and forth between Brandeis and Blair; the latter was visibly stressed and seemed to be planning a quick getaway._

_"__Serena, can we talk in private?"_

_"__Well it seems like Brandeis already knows whatever you're about to tell me, so let's talk here."_

_"__Please, S…"_

_"__Blair! Tell me!"_

_She took a moment; this was it, this was the final nail in her coffin and she'd basically given fate the hammer. "I'm not dating Brandeis."_

_"__You broke up?" the blonde asked._

_"__We didn't break up because we were never together. I lied to you." Hanging her head in shame, Blair didn't even really care that they were causing a scene (what else is new?). _

_"__Why would you lie?"_

_Laughing mirthlessly (because of course Serena knew why she lied), Blair confessed, "I was angry when you suddenly showed up at my party after four years of being gone without a trace. And you were so smug and confident and just assumed I would be happy to see you, like I'd just be waiting for you to come back and save me from myself. I wanted to make you jealous. I had a whole plan. I wanted to see if you were really serious about us so I tested you. And you kept passing my tests. I couldn't just tell you I lied about Brandeis, but I was planning on it."_

_"__When were you going to tell me? Were you going to call me later today and feed me a whole dramatic story about how you thought about us and decided to set Brandeis free so you could give us a real chance?"_

_"__No, not exactly like that…"_

_"__Oh, my God, Blair! Grow up! I have had enough of the games and having to jump through hoops every time to please you. What more can I do other than sincerely trying to be a better person? I know I screwed up badly but your games and manipulations are insane!"_

_"__I'm sorry!" she tried to make her plea._

_"__No. I can't do this. This is how it's always going to be, isn't it? I make a mistake and you make me pay for it. Rather than talk to me like an adult, you turn to game-playing and scheming to get what you want. I don't know if I can be with you like that."_

_As the blonde turned to leave, Blair followed her, calling out to the other woman. _

In the back of her private car, Blair tried to call Serena but was thwarted when the call went straight to voicemail. So she sent a text, and then another, and then a third. A tear fell onto the screen of her phone and Blair let out a whimper. This hurt. It possibly hurt more than the day after her party when she'd found out that Serena was gone. It seemed every birthday lately brought her nothing but trouble. Right there, Blair decided she was over celebrating her birthday. Next year, she'd go to work on her birthday and pretend it was any other ordinary day.

Her phone rang and Blair answered the call on the first ring without even looking to see who it was. "Serena?"

_"__What the hell is going on, Blair?" _Chuck's stern voice came through. _"Have you and Serena seriously not learned to keep your business to yourselves?"_

"What do you want? I don't want to talk right now."

_"__Check Gossip Girl's feed…"_

She put the call on speaker, allowing herself to pull up the first social media platform she could think of and, of course, the first thing she saw was a clip of Serena walking out of the restaurant and herself following helplessly behind.

"Oh, shit," she pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a primal growl. "How much of this did she post?"

_"__Pretty much all of it—from the lovely appetizers to the dramatic exit. So what is it this time? Serena running away from her feelings? You pressing all her buttons until you hit the big, red one?"_

"Chuck, please? I can't do this right now. Just give me some space."

_"__No. I'm not the best person to give advice but I will say this: you and Serena both need therapy. But mostly, you need each other. Look, Blair, I don't keep too many close friends and my family is a shit-show, but you're important to me. And so is Serena—she's my sister. I think you both owe it to yourselves and each other to get over your shit and just be happy together."_

She didn't respond—it was kind of hard to with the growing lump in her throat and the ugly cry threatening to mar her face. Taking a deep, controlled breath, Blair looked out of the window and informed Chuck, "I just got home."

_"__Good," _Chuck said. "I'm on my way over."

Blair ended the call without a word. She wasn't sure if she was in the mood for Chuck, but she needed something, somebody, right now. And who else would it be if not Serena? She stepped out of the car when her driver opened the door. As she walked through the door escorted by the door man, Blair began to come up with a three-step plan for redemption. In her head she called it "Operation: Pre-Wedding," because she was sure it would one day lead to Serena's and her wedding. It had to.


	9. Chapter 9

Her night with Chuck had gone much better than expected. Where Blair thought she would come away from that experience lost, dazed and in some sort of drug haze, she'd actually come away with a whole new perspective on the inner workings of Chuck Bass. She'd seen a side of the reckless heir she'd never seen before: the loving brother. First off, when had Serena and Chuck become so close? Second, what motivated him to suddenly begin treating the only family he had like _family_? She hadn't learned the answers to those questions, but she'd learned that Serena was selling her penthouse. It was a rash decision and the blonde sent Chuck a text to ask if he knew anyone in the market since she wanted to get rid of it quickly. This could only mean that she planned on leaving after their fight. Blair loved that penthouse; she especially loved what she'd planned on doing with (and in) that penthouse. Blair also loved Serena. Blair knew she needed to act quickly on Operation: Pre-Wedding because if she didn't, Serena would disappear into the night again and maybe never come back.

Step one: have Chuck kidnap Serena. It had been over twenty-four hours since the big restaurant incident and there had been radio silence from Serena. She hadn't responded to texts, phone calls, hadn't posted a single word to any of her social media, did not answer the door when Blair visited and turned away the courier Blair sent with a letter. The brunette even went so far as visiting Lily to see if she would help facilitate some sort of communication. That ended with a door slammed in her face, which was altogether rude and overly dramatic. She knew Lily wasn't her biggest fan, and would rather see her daughter end up with just about anyone else, but Serena wasn't totally innocent in this whole thing and quite frankly, Serena could do a lot worse—and _has_ done a lot worse. She needed Chuck to swerve back to his shady ways and get Serena into a situation she couldn't escape from. These were desperate times.

Step two: apologize big time. Serena was insecure. Blair was insecure too, but it didn't show as much on Serena, especially to the outside world. Serena refused to wear her feelings on her sleeve, whereas Blair flaunted all of hers like fashion accessories. Serena would need not just an apology, but a guarantee that if they were to be together, Blair would be able to forgive her past and the brunette herself would be able to move past her need for revenge. She'd need a guarantee that she'd be loved unconditionally. The blonde seemed to have it in her mind that she wasn't worthy of that type of love but in actuality she'd had it in Blair. Despite Blair's recent behavior to the contrary, she'd always loved Serena, despite her faults, despite the way she'd hurt Blair and despite the way she'd tried to push people away in the past. Blair thought she was ready now to embrace that all-encompassing love and let Serena know it wouldn't end anytime soon.

Step three: be honest. Blair revealed a small amount to Serena about how she was hurt when Serena left that night all those years ago, but she didn't really go too deep into her feelings. She'd felt angry, abandoned, blamed herself. She only stopped blaming herself when she decided to simply not think about the blonde and ignore all memories of their past together. But the years of second-guessing and self-blame caused a type of damage that could not be easily mended. Sometimes, Blair couldn't even believe there was more space in her psyche for additional insecurities but somehow, Serena van der Woodsen managed to wriggle in there and plant the seeds for a whole new garden of doubt. She needed to tell Serena all of this because, despite wanting to be with the love of her life, that garden of doubt was overgrown and it was on Serena to tend to it and clean it up.

Step four: subtle seduction. Their relationship was always a very physical one, even when they were just friends. They were never too far apart to not be able to touch in some way. Serena was a sucker for Blair's comfort seeking. She liked to feel needed and so Blair always found a way to indicate to Serena that she was in need of a hug or a hand-hold or some sort of affection and Serena was always happy to oblige. If she could manage to get back to the basics of their relationship, then she had a chance of making this operation work. She couldn't come on too strong because it was seem too much like a manipulation (ignoring that fact that it kind of was). She couldn't come on too fast because it was scare Serena off. It had to be natural, organic. That was the tricky part because Blair was used to manufacturing moments in times where she needed a certain result, but this was way too important to screw up. She didn't want to just "get the girl." She wanted to show the girl that they were right together and they should try one more time. She just wanted to highlight what she thought was the single greatest aspect of their relationship—their eternal bond. No matter how far they apart they drift, when they come back together, it's like they were never separated. Blair hoped Serena understood that too.

Step five: close the deal. If she could get them to reconnect in some physical way, that would be Blair's opportunity to lay her cards on the table. The ultimate goal was to leave in Serena's embrace and never leave. She knew now what she wanted. All games had been forfeited, she no longer needed to avenge her broken heart, she didn't even want any of the achievements in life she'd always dreamt for herself, she just wanted to live happily ever after with her best friend and love.

As Blair wrote down the last step of her plan, she pondered whether she should include an emergency step six (an exit plan) in case steps one through five failed. Her phone indicated an incoming text and she capped her pen and closed her journal. The text message was from Chuck, confirming their plans for tomorrow evening. She replied back with a simple thumbs-up emoji and dropped the phone back to the coffee table. Leaning back into the plush cushions of her sofa, Blair listened to the silence of her house; she was so familiar with the sensation, being alone for most of her adolescent and adult years. Her parents were almost never home. When she got too old for a baby sitter, Dorota began leaving the house earlier, enjoying the shorter shifts which allowed her to go home and spend time with her own family. Blair understood but she'd been lonely, even if being a teenager alone in a house with no parental supervision seemed like a dream come true. She'd always call Serena and the blonde would come over with snacks or invite her over to the penthouse and they'd watch movies and talk all night.

Thinking about all the loneliness settled into the walls of this place, Blair imagined Serena's newly decorated apartment (or how it would look once she's done with it). It seemed the perfect place for them to start their new lives together. Serena seemingly picked out their dream home and Blair wondered if it was purely coincidental or if the move had some thought behind it. With a sigh, she got up off the sofa and went upstairs. Tomorrow would be a big day, a long day, and it would end in either heartbreak or joy. The nervous anticipation had worn Blair out and she was tired. She hoped tomorrow would bring new beginnings. No, she demanded tomorrow would bring new beginnings, happy ones, because she was Blair Waldorf and tomorrow was her bitch.


	10. Chapter 10

"Chuck, what the hell? Where is everybody?" Serena walked first onto the rooftop of her step-brother's building. It was decorated for some type of party but there was no party. She would get no response from the billionaire playboy however, because he'd quickly shut the roof door, leaving her all alone. "Chuck!" she banged on the door. It was locked now and the blonde groaned in frustration.

Serena instinctively went to get her phone out of her purse and then remembered how Chuck offered to put her purse away back in his apartment so she could enjoy the party without worrying about it. She was startled when she heard a soft voice from the other side of the roof.

"Hi Serena," Blair walked closer to the other woman. "I really, really need to speak with you and this seemed like the only way to get you to listen."

"This is kidnapping," Serena begrudgingly replied.

"Desperate times… Look you haven't given me a chance to properly apologize and I get it, but I don't think _you_ really get it. I'm not apologizing just because I got caught; I truly am sorry for what I did. I need you to know that my apology is real and whether you accept it or not won't change the fact that I am remorseful."

The trapped woman took a moment to decide how to handle this situation she'd found herself in but seemingly had a hard time wrapping her head around it all. "I know you're genuinely sorry, Blair," she began, "but I'm not sure if your apology fixes anything between us."

"No, it doesn't. It's just a start. There's so much more I think we need to talk about but I just wanted an opportunity without you running away or slamming doors in my face."

"Well I'm here now, and if I want to escape I can either throw myself off the edge or listen to you. I assume you'll let me leave when you're done?"

Blair nodded her head; so far this task seemed more of a challenge than she'd originally thought. She couldn't read Serena's vibe too well—the other woman was doing a great job of checking her emotions. "If that's what you want, I'll let you leave. Just please give me a chance before you decide to do that?"

Serena sighed in frustration, "I feel like we're always giving each other chances. Don't you think it's time for us to just give up? Maybe it's just not meant to be?"

"Do you really feel that way? Because if I remember correctly, when you came back to New York you were trying very hard to convince me to give _you_ another chance and that you would do anything to get back in my good graces. Are you telling me you didn't really mean any of it?"

"That's not fair, I really was trying hard to be with you again but what you did just made me realize it might always be like this. It might always be one of us making a huge mistake and causing the other pain and then scrambling to make it right again."

"No, I don't think it will always be that way, but you have to admit, we're not the most well-adjusted people. We just have a steeper learning curve than others but I think we can actually make something work between us, S. I believe in us and I thought you did too."

"I do," Serena admitted. She had been standing this whole time but suddenly realized there were tables and chairs scattered about the rooftop. She walked over to one and took a seat.

Blair came over to the table and took the seat next to Serena, turning it to face the blonde. "S, I hurt you because I was too busy trying to protect my own heart that I forgot to protect yours too. When you came back and started telling me you wanted to be with me, that you loved me, I went into fight mode because I didn't trust you to not hurt me again and I was too afraid to let you in again. I'm not saying I'm sorry for how I felt, but I am sorry for how I handled it and for not being honest with you. Is that something you think you can forgive me for?"

"I already do forgive you for that. I know what I did, but I just thought we were past all the game-playing and everything. You disappointed me with this whole thing; I didn't think you'd go easy on me when I first came back, but I didn't think you'd be up to all your old scheming ways."

"I can't promise I'll never fall back into old behaviors because my emotional development is stunted thanks to my absentee parents," she joked, earning a slight grin from Serena, "but I promise that if you still believe in us and you give me this one last chance, I will always do my best to be there for you. I love you, Serena, and I want you be confident that I'm here for you for everything, and I'm always going to love you even if you mess up. I know sometimes you feel like you're not worthy of love." Serena looked away from her and Blair quickly reached up to turn her head back towards her. "Sweetie, you are so worthy. You deserve the best. You deserve the most unselfish, unconditional love there is and I want to work hard to be capable of loving like that and be the one to give it to you. So please, I need you to forgive me and let me try to make this all up to you."

For a long moment, Serena just stared at Blair, looking into her soul, it seemed. Blair was getting more nervous as seconds ticked by without a response from the other woman. She'd mentally ticked off steps one and two of her plan and was about to employ steps three and four in a simultaneous attack. However, if the blonde didn't accept her apology, there would be no need for the plan to even continue. Finally, after what felt like an hour, Serena sighed. It looked as though in that sigh, she'd released twenty-four hours' worth of tension and stress.

The blonde smiled slightly then replied, "Yes, I'll let you make it up to me. I forgive you, B. But do you really forgive me for leaving you?"

"I do, but I'll be honest, it still hurts. I hadn't realized how wounded I was until you came back." She reached across and slipped her hands into Serena's. "It's hard for me to admit this but I really needed you, even just as my friend, and you weren't there. There were a lot of nights I cried and just wanted someone to talk to, to tell how insecure I was feeling, but the only person I'd ever trusted to talk to about that was you." She continued stroking Serena's fingers.

"Do you want to talk about it now? I want to hear all of it if you still want to tell me."

"I do, just maybe not right now."

"What do you want right now?" she asked Blair.

This would be the perfect moment for step four: the subtle seduction. If she were reading the situation right, the two were headed for a full reconciliation and Serena would be open to a bit of physicality. "A hug, perhaps?" she asked innocently.

Serena responded with her signature laugh; it was bright and happy and comfortable. "Yeah, of course." She pulled Blair up from her chair and made the shorter woman to sit on her lap. She wrapped long arms around Blair tightly and rested her chin on Blair's shoulder. "Comfy?"

Relaxing into the embrace, Blair closed her eyes, "Very. I missed this."

"Did you have anyone else to hold you like this when I was gone?"

"No, not really. I tried dating but nothing ever really worked out."

"Well, I'm kind of relieved. I like being the only one who gets to do this with you."

"I know we agreed no more games, but if you play your cards right, you could be the only one who gets to do other stuff with me."

Serena nuzzled into Blair's cheek and answered, "I think I've got a pretty good hand, I'm just waiting the right moment to play it. And when I do, I'm fairly confident that, in fact, I will be the only one who gets to do this, and other stuff, with you forever."

Blair turned further to face her soon-to-be girlfriend and saw in her eyes hope and promise and love. She felt secure, for the first time in a long time, and she loved that Serena could make her feel that way. With a host of emotions flooding her at the moment, she couldn't resist pressing her lips to the grinning ones in front of her. It felt like coming home. She smiled into the kiss because in her mind, she imagined a crowd of fans cheering on their first kiss in four years and screaming encouragements at the women. She, herself, felt like screaming but it would be weird. Serena hugged her tighter and dominated the kiss. Being quite honest with herself, Blair loved it when Serena took over. The blonde was a natural boss, even if she sometimes didn't believe it about herself, and Blair thought it was her sexiest trait. But one nagging thought popped into her mind in the midst of all of this, and she abruptly broke off the kiss, pushing herself back a bit.

"What the hell were you doing in Tiffany's with Nate?!"

Serena offered no explanation, but simply laughed, burying her face in Blair's shoulder.

"I'm serious, S. Why would you take him into _my_ safe space? It's sacrilegious."

"B, relax, it's nothing to be upset over. We were just walking; we didn't intend to go there. We passed the building and I wanted to take a look at something, so we went inside."

"Did you buy anything?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"It's back at my place. Do you want to go see it?"

"Yes, I do," she got off the blonde's lap and fixed her clothes. "Knock three times for Chuck to unlock the door, I'll call a car."

"Yes, dear." Serena stood from her seat and did as directed while Blair used her phone to call for her driver. As Blair waited for her chauffer to pick up, she smiled, proud of herself for pulling off Operation: Pre-Wedding. She just knew that they were in a good place now and in due time, they would marry and have children and have the life they'd always wanted—she couldn't wait to see Lily's face when Serena broke the news. Her next operation would have to be one to do with the renovation of Serena's place. Maybe her girlfriend (it was great to say 'girlfriend,' even if only in her own mind) bought a really cute Tiffany lamp for her penthouse living room and she could design their dream home around it. She couldn't wait to see whatever it was, so when Chuck finally opened the roof door and Serena held out a hand to lead her down the stairs, she almost skipped over to the other woman, unable to hide her excitement. Today was amazing, and tonight would be even better. Tonight was her new bitch.


	11. Chapter 11

So many thoughts sprinted through Blair's mind as she slid her hand under the waistband of Serena's black pants, but not a single one was as important as what was happening right now and so, she focused on the feel of toned flesh beneath her fingertips. She was laid flat on the extra-large sofa with the taller woman's body pressed on top of hers. The way Serena licked and bit this one spot just under her jaw made her squirm and make dirty noises fit for internet porn. It wasn't fair that the blonde had basically had her fully undressed before they even got into the living room and, although topless, was, still mostly dressed. Honestly, she would never complain if Serena wanted to make sex all about her every now and then. Blair was a pillow princess and proud. Also, the sight of topless Serena in tight pants with the zipper open revealing a peek of her lacy underwear was one of the best Blair had ever seen. Serena's kisses moved slowly back to her face and eventually her lips. The blonde looked deeply into her eyes before entering her and the last of those roaming thoughts quickly vacated her mind.

About an hour later, she laid on top of Serena enjoying the leftover taste of the woman that lingered on her lips still. The blonde was drifting off to sleep but Blair didn't forget that there was still something Serena had to show her. In the car on the way here, Serena confirmed that the infamous Tiffany purchase had not been a lamp, but she refused to say what it was, only that Blair had to see it for herself. For a second, the brunette entertained the thought that it was a gift for her, perhaps something shiny and princess-cut. She very quickly dismissed that idea knowing that at the time, they hadn't been dating and it wasn't even certain that she'd give Serena another chance. Why would the other woman have bought a Tiffany ring when their relationship status was, at best, dismal? Maybe she'd bought herself some item of jewelry.

Blair lightly bit the skin of Serena's neck. She groaned in her sleep; her facial expression change, just a tiny bit, and Blair imagined she was likely already awake just pretending not to be. She continued her assault on the other woman, nipping at her jaw, cheek and bottom lip. "S," she whispered. No answer. "Serena," she tried again, running her nail down tight abs. That, at least, got the "sleeping" beauty to squirm. "I know you're awake, Serena, you don't do a very good job of lying."

Grinning, Serena wrapped her arms tighter around Blair and flipped them, so they laid on their sides, face to face. "What do you want?"

"You know what I want, don't play dumb."

"Oh yeah, you want to see what I picked up at Tiffany's while having breakfast with Nate?" Blair sneered slightly at the mention of the man who's always spawned jealousy in her due to the relationship between him and her girlfriend. "Don't make that face. It was actually a good thing he was there. Nate has really good taste in jewelry."

"You bought jewelry?"

"Yeah, I think you'll like it."

"What kind of jewelry?"

"A ring." She said it so casually, Blair wasn't sure if the rapid beating of her heart was justified, but it was happening regardless. "Wait here for a minute, I'll get it."

They sat up and untangled from each other and the blonde ran up the stairs into her bedroom. Blair could hear her rifling around and stomping back down the stairs a short minute later. When she came back over to the sofa, Serena flopped down next to Blair revealing the iconic little box from behind her back. She opened the pouch and took out a small, blue box. The packaging itself caused Blair to lose her breath.

"It's so beautiful…" she gazed in awe.

"I haven't even opened it yet," Serena laughed.

"You don't have to. This is a beautiful piece of art."

"You sure you don't want me to open it? I mean, yeah, the box is gorgeous but the gift inside is for you. If you only want the box, though, who am I to judge?"

"Okay, open it. But go slowly! I want to enjoy the way visual," the brunette demanded.

As commanded, Serena rotated the box, so the Tiffany & Co. stamp faced Blair. She held it firmly in one hand and used the other to undo the flawless white ribbon. She let the ribbon drop to the sofa and slowly lifted the top, placing it on the coffee table. Inside was Tiffany & Co. branded white tissue paper covering a black, velvet box. Blair's heart was beating so fast she was sure she was having some sort of cardiac episode. Despite the obvious, she couldn't yet allow herself to get excited about what was happening. She didn't want to get disappointed if the velvet box revealed a pair of earrings or a charm bracelet.

Serena paused before lifting back the lid of the black, velvet box. Blair became aware of the pause in action and looked up, noticing how the other woman was watching her nervously. She knew. That was the moment Blair knew that she and Serena shared the same vision of their future together. She didn't have time to contemplate the pace of it all; she followed Serena's gaze back to the black box and gasped when the blonde opened it to reveal the most beautiful diamond ring she'd ever seen. Truthfully, she hadn't even evaluated the ring in her head as she would do in any other situation, so she had no idea if the specifications of the rock earned it the title of 'most beautiful diamond she'd ever seen.' It was the most beautiful because it was hers from Serena. It was theirs and it was hard-earned. It was the most beautiful because it represented a promise between the two of them, a promise which she was ready to validate.

"Blair, I don't have a speech prepared or anything, but I hope this ring says it all. Will you—"

"Yes!" Blair cried.

"You didn't even let me finish," the blonde laughed in part exasperation and part levity.

"I just said yes, I'd marry you. Do you really care if I didn't let you finish?"

"Yes! I want to be able to say that _I _asked _you_, not that you basically hijacked my proposal. So please, sit back, shut up and let me propose to you."

"Okay," she agreed, but she could barely keep the megawatt grin off her face. She was practically vibrating, waiting for Serena to get those four words out of her mouth so she could officially say yes and put that gorgeous ring on her finger.

"Blair, I love you. I've always loved you. I knew when we first started dating that you were who I wanted to share my life with. I knew right after I left New York that I should have gone back for you and asked you to marry me then."

She didn't know if she wanted Serena to stop and just get to the proposal or keep going, but the taller woman was making her cry. She didn't want to get all puffy right now. She cried even more when Serena wiped a stray tear from her cheek.

"I hope you're crying tears of joy. Those are the only I ever want to cause from now on. I knew that day when I was walking with Nate that I needed to have you in my life. I didn't want Brandeis or anyone else to get to you before I had my chance to do this. I was definitely angry when I found out you and she weren't actually dating, but I was also really happy. So please, please accept this ring and don't ever let anyone else have you? Will you marry me?"

"I love you, too. And yes, I will marry you. If you ever divorce me, I will make your life hell. I just want you to know that that's who you're choosing to marry," she joked.

"I wouldn't marry you any other way."

"Good, now put that beautiful diamond on my hand!" She gushed at the beauty and near perfect fit. It would have to be sized just a little, but Serena had done a great job.

"I take it you approve?"

Blair nodded.

"Good. I told you Nate had good taste in jewelry."

Blair was about to protest. She really didn't want to wear a ring picked for her by Nate, of all people.

"Before you protest, because I know what you're thinking, Nate did not pick the ring. I did. In fact, the ring is a one-of-a-kind. When I went into Tiffany's I couldn't find anything that really called out to me, but the salesman told me they'd recently designed a new model and there was a prototype in the back. I knew it was the right one, but I was judging by the look of it. Nate was good for evaluating the diamonds and their value. And your ring will remain a one-of-a-kind. I kind of paid the designer to not produce any others. I also had to invite him to my mother's charity auction this weekend."

"Serena, I love it. It's perfect and not just because of the value. I'm never taking it off my hand, I promise."

Serena pounced on her and all Blair could do was hold onto the blonde as she fell back into the sofa cushions. Serena kissed her as if she needed the kisses to live. She managed to slow down the amorous assault long enough to ask a question. "I'm also invited to this auction, correct?"

"Of course, B, I'll need a date to fend off the drunk, eligible bachelors of New York's elite. Besides, I know you can't wait to show that ring off to my mother. Just promise me you won't be too hard on her. I know she's…something, but she is my mother."

Blair knew she would do just about anything Serena asked of her, including getting along with Lily. She didn't truly want to rub it in Lily's face. More than anything she just wanted the older blonde to know that she and her daughter were serious and that from now on, she'd be a part of their family. She just wanted a little recognition and respect from Lily. Even if she never got that, she was confident that she'd always have Serena on her side.

"I'll behave, I swear. But my promise is only good in regard to your mother. If I see any of those drunk, "eligible" bachelors hitting on you, I reserve the option to do what I do best."

"Fine."

"Good."

"Now may I proceed to fuck my fiancé?" the blonde whispered hotly in her ear.

She didn't reply verbally, because she couldn't. She moaned and arched her body into Serena's in a way that encouraged her to proceed. Blair imagined she would never get tired of this. How could she when Serena's kisses were like promises and her touch was like fireworks? Blair finally felt at home. She felt like she had a place to belong and wouldn't give it up for anything or anyone in the world. In that moment of reflection, she was brought back into the present when her fiancé entered her and began eliciting the most scandalous noises from her mouth. Now was not the time to ponder life and the future. Now was the time to enjoy all the sex they'd missed out on in the last several years.

"Babe," Blair breathed, "more." Her nails dug into the blonde's shoulder when she felt four fingers enter her and Serena used her hips to push harder. Still slightly sensitive from their earlier rounds, she was close to her peak. Serena's perfectly timed wet kiss to the spot on her neck that always turned her to jelly, and the final thrust of her hips was exactly the 'more' she needed to lose control and reach one of the best orgasms she'd ever had. "If you take me upstairs to our bedroom," she began breathlessly, "I'll pay you back for that."

"_Our_ bedroom?" Serena asked.

"Do you mind? I really like it here, with you. It feels more like home than any other place."

Serena smiled in response and shook her head indicating that not only would she not mind, she'd love to share the penthouse with Blair and make it their home. "Then let's go officially make the bedroom _ours._"


	12. Chapter 12

She had already showered and prepared her outfit for the evening, but Blair stalled, not quite ready to finish dressing for night's festivities. As she sat on the bed, still clad in her silk robe, she read Serena's latest journal entry. The entry was from yesterday and the thoughts her wife expressed surprised and confused her.

_Dear Journal_

_I'm pretty sure Blair's pissed at me for planning this party. I'm not sure if it's a hormonal thing or if she really doesn't want the party. It's her birthday and I want to celebrate her, but I know how she gets with big events like this. She's always afraid everyone just shows up because of me and doesn't really want to be there._

Blair hadn't realized at all that she'd been giving Serena the impression that she hadn't wanted the party. It was quite normal for the blonde to let her read her journal entries—it had become their thing since Serena first came back to New York and gifted her the journal from her time away. It was easier this way, especially for Serena, because she sometimes found it difficult to verbally express herself. It was easier to let Blair read her feelings than to see them. So yeah, Blair was surprised tonight when, before she went into the bathroom to shower, Serena simply handed her the journal—bookmarked to the latest entry—and quietly left the bedroom. She continued reading.

_It's been the best year of my life so far, even though things have gone pretty quickly. Blair and I are starting our family and I just wanted to show her how much I love her and appreciate her by celebrating her on her birthday. I hope she's not too upset that I made a big production out of this party and sees that I was just trying to be there for her. And if you're reading this, B, I'm sorry if the party isn't what you wanted and you can totally tell me if you don't want to go._

_-S_

She had been nervous—she's always going to be nervous about events specifically for her. She's had a lot of experience being let down at these things and it was a sore subject for her. But despite the nerves, she had been excited to get all dressed up with her wife and show her off to all their friends and associates. This past year has been a whirlwind for them: starting their relationship over, becoming engaged, moving in together, redecorating, getting married in secret, and all that jazz. The latest installment of their crazy love story was the thing she was excited about the most: carrying their baby. That was a very quick decision as well, but truthfully it was something they'd always wanted anyway so they hadn't seen a reason to delay. So, this party, whether she'd have chosen it for herself or not, was something she knew Serena was excited about, so she was excited, too. She found that it didn't bother her as much anymore that most of the people they associated with were ingenuine; she'd be at this function with her wife, their undeveloped tiny human, her two best friends (really, her only friends) Brandeis and Chuck, and that was all she needed.

The door to the en suite opened revealing the tall blonde in her underwear, towel drying her hair. Blair closed the journal and looked up, smiling at her wife who was purposefully avoiding looking in her direction.

She walked over to Serena who had taken her dress off its hanger and was stepping into it, raising the gold zipper in the back. When she was done, Blair took her hand and turned her around, so they were facing one another. She chose not to speak yet, giving Serena a chance to tell her what she was feeling.

The taller woman spoke, her eyes not quite meeting Blair's. "So, do you still want to go?"

"Why would I not want to go? I know how hard you've worked on this."

"I don't know; I know you get anxious about these things. I don't want to stress you out right now. And I want you to have fun on your birthday. I guess I got excited in planning and didn't really think about how you'd actually feel. So… I'm sorry."

"Sweetheart, I want to go. I'm excited. And I'm not sure why you think I'm opposed to the party. I might not be thrilled to see everyone you invited, but I love the fact that you planned all this for me so, I'm excited. Besides, I can't wait to see your mother's face when she realizes I'm having your baby."

Serena laughed, "You just love the drama, don't you?"

"Absolutely. Besides, she'd know these things if she were around more often."

"Nothing I'm not used to. But tonight is not about my parents or yours or anyone else. It's about you and another year you're in my life, another year I get to call you my wife." She rubbed Blair's small, barely-there baby bump and kissed the shorter woman. "Now, please get dressed, because I know you bought an obscenely expensive outfit which I can't wait to see."

"Fine." As Blair headed into the massive walk-in closet she called out to her wife. "Which do you think your mother would hate more: 'Grandmother' or 'Mee Maw?'"

Serena's colorful laughter filled the room and she replied, "I think she would murder you if you taught our kid to call her either of those."

"You'll protect me," Blair confirmed confidently.

"Yes, I will. But there will be no protecting you from Chuck if we're late. He's got this big thing planned, so let's go. You know how much of a diva he is about being on time. He's even more of a pain than you…"

She could hear the blonde jogging down the stairs and made her final decision on the shoes that would go perfectly with the thousand-dollar dress she'd bought earlier in the week. She looked amazing in it. Serena would love it. And best, it highlighted her baby bump in the most flattering way. Tonight, she would find joy in giving her mother-in-law a coronary episode. She would enjoy all the jealous looks of all the boys and girls who wanted to have Serena for themselves and had lost their chances. She would watch enviously as everyone else sipped champagne but smile at the reason she could not partake. Tonight was _her_ night and it felt like the beginning of the rest of her life.

There were many reasons one could point to and argue that Blair did not deserve this happiness, but she was done entertaining such thoughts. If we were all to be judged by past indiscretions, nobody would deserve anything, really. But she had it; she had the love of her life, they had the baby, she had a couple of great friends, a home and a career. For the first time, Blair appreciated the simple things in life and felt that if this were all she had in the world, she would be okay. Okay, that was probably not true, but as long as she had Serena and their little one, she would be happy. And God help anyone who tried to get in the way of their happiness.

She pulled on her new dress and managed to zip herself up. After slipping on the shoes she'd chosen, Blair was finally ready to go. She grabbed her purse and phone and carefully made her way down the stairs to the main level of the penthouse. Pregnancy and heels didn't make the best match, and she wasn't even fully pregnant yet. But she'd refused to give up on her shoes just yet, so if she walked much slower than usual, that was just the price she'd have to pay. Besides, all the guests would wait, after all, it was _her_ night and this party would be her bitch.


End file.
